Yesterday I went to the cemetery to bring the girls their rocks. It was a long, difficult morning dealing with legal paperwork regarding an old landlord who lost some paperwork and decided to claim it never existed. (despite the fact that I showed him copies) just incredibly frustrating and challenging when I am already tense.
Anyway, the ground has finally defrosted and I felt it was time to bring the girls their rocks. It was hard to pick them up off the bookcase where they’ve sat for the last 7 or 8 months and know I wouldn’t have them with me. But the girls need them more than I do, and I need them to have them more than I need them myself.
My friend went with me. The hubbo is not so comfortable with the idea of going, though he supports my desire to. Their spots were right where I remembered, though without a marker it was hard to determine their exact spot. I went into the office and the gave me a map of the baby burial plots. It was a little graph with the mothers names hand written into each box, and the words “fetus of” or “baby of”. I wonder if technically there is a difference, or if it’s just a result of the different funural homes using different terminology. Sunshine and Daisy were “fetus of”. A little disorienting, but technically correct, I guess.
So, I kneeled down in the muddy lawn (it had rained all morning) and, with my friends help and a broken branch, dug holes in the ground and then put their rocks in place. I pushed the dirt back around the rocks so hopefully over time they will become embedded in the soil, as they were when I found them. I imagine that one day the grass will grow nice and lush around the rocks but their colorful and glittery art, that I sealed with a million layers of sealer, will catch someone eye as they look upon the heartbreaking and depressing area of the cemetery that is the baby section. Someone on this earth will look at it and know that those babies were loved.
It was nice to be there. Upsetting, but comforting. After I put in the rocks I talked to them for a few minutes, cried, and then I left. It kind of felt like there was not much more I could do.
Today has been a bit hard. Just more emotional than most days lately. But I guess that’s to be expected. Now, I am looking forward to finally feeling this new baby kick me…