Resting in peace

The other markers were so pitiful, many were broken and fallen over...

The other markers were so pitiful, many were broken and fallen over...

Yesterday I went to the cemetery to bring the girls their rocks. It was a long, difficult morning dealing with legal paperwork regarding an old landlord who lost some paperwork and decided to claim it never existed. (despite the fact that I showed him copies) just incredibly frustrating and challenging when I am already tense.

Anyway, the ground has finally defrosted and I felt it was time to bring the girls their rocks. It was hard to pick them up off the bookcase where they’ve sat for the last 7 or 8 months and know I wouldn’t have them with me. But the girls need them more than I do, and I need them to have them more than I need them myself.

My friend went with me. The hubbo is not so comfortable with the idea of going, though he supports my desire to. Their spots were right where I remembered, though without a marker it was hard to determine their exact spot. I went into the office and the gave me a map of the baby burial plots. It was a little graph with the mothers names hand written into each box, and the words “fetus of” or “baby of”. I wonder if technically there is a difference, or if it’s just a result of the different funural homes using different terminology. Sunshine and Daisy were “fetus of”. A little disorienting, but technically correct, I guess.

So, I kneeled down in the muddy lawn (it had rained all morning) and, with my friends help and a broken branch,  dug holes in the ground and then put their rocks in place. I pushed the dirt back around the rocks so hopefully over time they will become embedded in the soil, as they were when I found them. I imagine that one day the grass will grow nice and lush around the rocks but their colorful and glittery art, that I sealed with a million layers of sealer, will catch someone eye as they look upon the heartbreaking and depressing area of the cemetery that is the baby section. Someone on this earth will look at it and know that those babies were loved.

It was nice to be there. Upsetting, but comforting. After I put in the rocks I talked to them for a few minutes, cried, and then I left. It kind of felt like there was not much more I could do.

Today has been a bit hard. Just more emotional than most days lately. But I guess that’s to be expected. Now, I am looking forward to finally feeling this new baby kick me…

They've been placed in their forever spots.

They've been placed in their forever spots.

Why are people idiots?

Today I experienced the absolute worst encounter since this blessing / nightmare started. I thought that the original ultrasound tech who callously told me she thought she didn’t see the membrane was horrible. I should have counted my blessings.

After the original conversation with my doctor, I freaked out, cried, read a whole bunch of stuff online, and eventually decided that I was just going to hold my ground until I knew more.

The problem I was having is that I did not feel I had gotten the answers I needed from my doctor, and don’t feel he’s as concerned about “acting” upon the information he does have. I know there is only so much you can do, but I still was not happy. The idea of just “holding tight” for 2 weeks while my babies could potentially be dying, well, that just did not sit well with me.

So I started calling other High Risk MFM doctors in my area. Unfortunately, many don’t accept my insurance, are not accepting new patients, are not affiliated with good NICU hospitals, or, in some cases, are just outta town on vacation. The calls were getting exhausting.

I called a doctor that came highly recommended. Although I was pretty certain they do not accept my insurance, my in-laws had suggested that they might pay for the consult out of pocket, just so we could get peace of mind regarding all this stuff from a trusted source. After concluding that they do not in fact, accept my insurance, I was transferred to a woman who was supposed to tell me what the consult would cost if I paid out of pocket.

So, this woman gets on the phone and asks me if I have a high-risk doctor. I said yes, but that I had heard great stuff about this doctor and felt perhaps I would benefit from meeting with him and getting his input. Here is what she said to me: ” This doctor is not interested in getting into a fight with your doctor when you go back and say ‘well he said blah blah blah & you said blah blah blah.’“(Isn’t that the point of a second opinion??)  I said “OK, I was just looking to discuss my situation with someone who deals with this so I don’t feel so lost”.

She replied bluntly “Well, This Doctor does not want to see you“.

I felt like I was punched in the stomach, and felt the tears start to well up. I quitely asked “is there anyone you can recommend?”   And she said “You should call Columbia. there’s a doctor there, i forget her name, that’s who you should call.”

I said “OK- do you know anyone in NJ that deals with this?”

Her reply: “No, I don’t. You should call columbia. and you should deal with this immediatly or both of your babies are going to die.”

I was silent. Stunned. Crying in shock. She continued “I don’t have any more information for you, this doctor cannot help you. call Columbia. They deal with this. If you don’t take care of this right away, you will lose both of your babies”.

I pretty much just hung up then- though I think she may have hung up on me first (!)  And I really started crying. Did I mention I was at work? I had been holding it together so well. I run my department and didn’t wanna be having a breakdown at work, and here it was, in front of my newly hired assistant, with snot falling all over my desk.  I was just so stunned- horrified. It felt as though the devil herself had popped through the phone and stabbed me a million times with a pitchfork in the heart.

I (barely) pulled myself together and picked up the phone to call Columbia. A nice sounding woman picked up the phone. I told her who I was, and that  my doctor had detected early signs of TTTS and that’s why I was calling. Her reply “Well, you called the right place”. That was it. I lost it. I just started bawling, right into the phone. It was such a relief to hear that reassurance after all the go-nowhere phone calls I made all day- and after that woman from hell tore my heart out. I spent the next 10 minutes answering questions and giving my info though sobs and a runny nose. I felt so stupid crying, and at the same time so relieved. But she made me feel totally normal and like I was finally in good hands.

I felt so much better, and will have an appointment at Columbia next week. I just feel like this will be a much more proactive, optimistic and knowledgeable environment for me to go through this situation in. I still have to wait for them to confirm my insurance is all good- but I – and they- think it should be.

What a day. If this is just the beginning of a roller coaster ride, I’m not sure I am ready for this amusement park.

On a brighter note, I took my week 16 pics… now I just have to fix my computer and get it up here… hopefully before week 17!

more later…

Health insurance…what a scam

The first time I went to my hi-risk doctor, they charged me a $50 copay

The second time I went to mky hi-risk doctor, they again charged me a $50 copay. I asked what was the deal…. I thought I only had to pay the copay for the first visit. Receptionist said “hmemm… nope. You gotta pay for every visit” I was like “WTF?” So I asked the doctor directly and he was like “WTF?- hat’s nut- call your insurance co. and find out what the deal is. That’s dumb.” So I called my insurance co. and they said “There is no copay of you get an ultrasound, or if you gat and ultrasound + consult. There is only a copay if you get a consult with no ultrasound” so I said- that’s fine, because I always get an ultrasound when I see him.

So, the next time I went to the doctor, the receptionist says to me “Oh, I looked it up and you actually DON’T have a copay” so i said “great- can I get my money back?” and she said “No- not from me- you have to take it up with the hospital billing department”  and I was like “WTF? You took my $ when you shouldn’t have but no won’t give it back? That’s BS.”  And she’s all “sorry- nothing I can do”

Ok- so at least now I know there are no more copays, right? um, wrong.

I got a bill in the mail from the hospital! Why? Because in order to milk my insurance company for the most $$, they bill my visit as 2 seperate appointments! One for an ultrasound and one for a consult!!! So now, my insurance denied the full payment for the consult and said I owe the copay.I called the billing department and THEY can’t fix it- I have to fix it with the drs. office- the same ones that are gonna tell me to deal with the billing department.

What a bunch of crap. I have an appointment with the hi-risk doctor tomorrow and I’m gonna try and straighten it out. Either way, I aint paying those copays.

And the doctor told me not to stress. Nice.