Why are people idiots?

Today I experienced the absolute worst encounter since this blessing / nightmare started. I thought that the original ultrasound tech who callously told me she thought she didn’t see the membrane was horrible. I should have counted my blessings.

After the original conversation with my doctor, I freaked out, cried, read a whole bunch of stuff online, and eventually decided that I was just going to hold my ground until I knew more.

The problem I was having is that I did not feel I had gotten the answers I needed from my doctor, and don’t feel he’s as concerned about “acting” upon the information he does have. I know there is only so much you can do, but I still was not happy. The idea of just “holding tight” for 2 weeks while my babies could potentially be dying, well, that just did not sit well with me.

So I started calling other High Risk MFM doctors in my area. Unfortunately, many don’t accept my insurance, are not accepting new patients, are not affiliated with good NICU hospitals, or, in some cases, are just outta town on vacation. The calls were getting exhausting.

I called a doctor that came highly recommended. Although I was pretty certain they do not accept my insurance, my in-laws had suggested that they might pay for the consult out of pocket, just so we could get peace of mind regarding all this stuff from a trusted source. After concluding that they do not in fact, accept my insurance, I was transferred to a woman who was supposed to tell me what the consult would cost if I paid out of pocket.

So, this woman gets on the phone and asks me if I have a high-risk doctor. I said yes, but that I had heard great stuff about this doctor and felt perhaps I would benefit from meeting with him and getting his input. Here is what she said to me: ” This doctor is not interested in getting into a fight with your doctor when you go back and say ‘well he said blah blah blah & you said blah blah blah.’“(Isn’t that the point of a second opinion??)  I said “OK, I was just looking to discuss my situation with someone who deals with this so I don’t feel so lost”.

She replied bluntly “Well, This Doctor does not want to see you“.

I felt like I was punched in the stomach, and felt the tears start to well up. I quitely asked “is there anyone you can recommend?”   And she said “You should call Columbia. there’s a doctor there, i forget her name, that’s who you should call.”

I said “OK- do you know anyone in NJ that deals with this?”

Her reply: “No, I don’t. You should call columbia. and you should deal with this immediatly or both of your babies are going to die.”

I was silent. Stunned. Crying in shock. She continued “I don’t have any more information for you, this doctor cannot help you. call Columbia. They deal with this. If you don’t take care of this right away, you will lose both of your babies”.

I pretty much just hung up then- though I think she may have hung up on me first (!)  And I really started crying. Did I mention I was at work? I had been holding it together so well. I run my department and didn’t wanna be having a breakdown at work, and here it was, in front of my newly hired assistant, with snot falling all over my desk.  I was just so stunned- horrified. It felt as though the devil herself had popped through the phone and stabbed me a million times with a pitchfork in the heart.

I (barely) pulled myself together and picked up the phone to call Columbia. A nice sounding woman picked up the phone. I told her who I was, and that  my doctor had detected early signs of TTTS and that’s why I was calling. Her reply “Well, you called the right place”. That was it. I lost it. I just started bawling, right into the phone. It was such a relief to hear that reassurance after all the go-nowhere phone calls I made all day- and after that woman from hell tore my heart out. I spent the next 10 minutes answering questions and giving my info though sobs and a runny nose. I felt so stupid crying, and at the same time so relieved. But she made me feel totally normal and like I was finally in good hands.

I felt so much better, and will have an appointment at Columbia next week. I just feel like this will be a much more proactive, optimistic and knowledgeable environment for me to go through this situation in. I still have to wait for them to confirm my insurance is all good- but I – and they- think it should be.

What a day. If this is just the beginning of a roller coaster ride, I’m not sure I am ready for this amusement park.

On a brighter note, I took my week 16 pics… now I just have to fix my computer and get it up here… hopefully before week 17!

more later…

sucks. sad.

So, we went for the ultrasound this morning. Since we’re now 16 weeks, it’s standard to start going for ultrasounds every 2 weeks to monitor growth and development and make sure the babies are not showing signs of Twin to Twin Transfusion syndrome. When I was first told we were having twins, the technician, who was an idiot, told me she could not see the membrane. So i freaked out and came home and started reading everything I could find on TTTS. It was not pretty. I spent a couple of days in front of the computer crying as i read stories about babies who have suffered from this. I even contacted the founder of the TTTS Foundation to find out if there were doctors in my area they recommended. Finaly, The Hubbo, in all his brilliance, said “Enough. You must stop reading this. They will see the membrane at the next ultrasound and all will be fine”. So, feeling educated enough to put my mind at rest, I stopped reading and started focusing on the good stuff about being preggo and having beautiful identical babies.

My next few ultrasounds were great- babies were the same size, heartbeats good, and the membrane is totally there.

So today, i walked into the doctors office with no concerns. They were going to tell me the gender, (girls— which I kinda already knew), measure the babies and send me on my way.

The technician was great- joking with us, showing us the different parts of each baby. At one point i was looking at the legs of one when a leg of the other shot in between and kiced the first kids legs apart. It was amazing. At another point, baby B was leaning back on it’s back, and baby A had her head on baby B’s belly like it was a cozy pillow. It was so amazing.

After the ultrasound, i waited in the doctors office so he could talk to me and just confirm everything looked great. It was a while before he got there and I was getting antsy. Finally, he showed up and toldme that he was gonna cut straight to the point. He is already seeing signs of TTTS. The bladder of baby B is a lot smaller than baby a- and baby a is larger than it should be.  He is not ready to declare that it is , in fact, TTTS, because these are just signs… but they ae bad signs. especially this early. TTTS can show up anywhere from 16 weeks through birth, but if it’s gonna show up, it’s better to happen later, so they can just work to stretch your pregnancy till delivery. When it starts to show this early- it’s bad. if it does progress, the likelyhood that my babies will make it to delivery, even a early one, are slim. And the path to get there is not an easy one.

As he talked to me, I really didn’t even have that many questions. because I HAD read so much, I understood just about everything he was saying. There was really not much that went through my mind. I kind of just stared into the corner. On a positive note, they are still measuring the same size. I don’t know how much comfort there is there, but I’ll try to find some.

So now, we wait. there is nothing that can be done except that I can try to intake as much protein as possible. I am scheduled to go back in two weeks for another ultrasound to monitor their progress.

Absolute best case scenario: everything is looking fine. The readings today were just ‘todays’ stautus, and in two weeks their bladders are more balanced. That, it seems is unlikely.

Next best Case scenario: Things look the same. Both babies are still growing the same and their bladders appear the same “off” as they do this week, in which case, he will not declare that I have developed TTTS, and we will wait another two weeks.

Not so great case scenario: It’s worse. They measure off, bladders are worse…. he declares TTTS. Then we decide the next step. (amnio to remove excess fluid from one… I think)

Worst case scenario: I am not thinking about that. It’s not an option.

I really wanted to take my 16 week pic when I got back from the doctor. i never had a chance to do the 15 week – sorry- but now I have been crying for the last few hours and look like crap. Also, my mac is broken so I can’t even do my nice little graphic displays I like to do. I’ve been blogging on my husbands PC and and the only thing good about that is I can do it in front of the TV cuz it’s a laptop. Even though the TV’s not on.

Gonna go have me a protein shake and feed my little girls.

My body… I’m no 25 year old…

She's 1 month more preggo than me!

She's 1 month more preggo than me!

Saw this recent picture in People Magazine of Kendra pregnant. I didn’t realize she was due a month before me. She’s tiny! back when I was 25 I was like her size. If I had gotten pregnant than, would I have looked that little? Because, truthfully, that’s what I look like when I’m just bloated and not pregnant. How depressing.

Today was a milestone day! Two strangers in the elevator at work asked when I was due. Before today, elevator strangers just kinda looked at me, afraid to say something lest they be wrong, and I’m just fat. One of the elevator strangers asked if I was 6 months along. Nice. 4 months and counting!

Sucky Week

I’d love to come here and talk about how awesome and life-affirming being pregnant with twins s, but, well, this week really sucked. It’s really hard dragging this belly around… and I’m not even that big yet! I just feel so tired all the time- and getting to work- even though it’s a just a couple of blocks that I have to walk to and from the bus, is really starting to wear me down. Then, the night before last I woke up from intense pain in my wisdom tooth. I took a couple of tylenol (which doesnt work but advil is not allowed) and gargled with salt water and then took an hour to fall asleep. 

In the morning I felt OK and went to work, but by 10 o’clock I thought I’d die from the pain. I called my dentist and he told me that I should come in- and it had to be that day cuz he’s out friday and it was just gonna get worse. So I left the office and came home togo see him- fearful he’d have to pull the tooth and I would not be able to take any pain meds. Thankfully, he said that while it was infected, he could clear that out and hopefully delay extracting the tooth until after the babies are born. He gave me some PAINFUL shots of numbing stuff and cleaned me up and sent me on my way. Truthfully, it still hurts, but feels like it will pass by evening. It just sucks- and all I can take is tylenol and I feel crappy and I want to go shopping and buy myself some pretty maternity clothes to make myself feel better and less crappy.