Hello Again

We’ve conceived again. My due date: October 18, 2010.

I am currently 13 weeks and 3 days. I meant to write sooner. But it’s not easy. We learned we were pregnant again towards the end of january / early february. After all my ultrasounds and dating scans it seems this baby was created 10 days after our due date.

They say that pregnancies following a loss can be very difficult emotionally. They apparently know a thing or two. I was so happy to get that positive test result, I truly fell down on the floor of the bathroom and started to cry. I was scared, relieved, happy, sad…

I’ve become too familiar these past months with women who have dealt with poor prenatal diagnosis and I was grateful that the likelihood of having to live through TTTS twice was next to nothing, as opposed to women that unfortunately find themselves dealing with genetic issues that might reoccur.

We went for our first ultrasound at 5 weeks and saw the little yolk sack. Not much to look at, but it was clearly just one little bean in there this time. I felt a relief that I was likely going to have a routine, straightforward pregnancy and end up with a healthy baby in 9 months. But I was also sad. It was like an extra little goodbye to Sunshine & Daisy, and the dream of being a mother to living twins, and the specialness that comes with that.

We’ve been back for a few ultrasounds since. Once because I freaked out that something was terribly wrong and needed to see and hear the heartbeat before I went on vacation. I was having serous anxiety attacks about it. The other was the 12 week nuchal translucency test. That was last week. I didn’t expect to be terribly emotional, but from the moment I walked into the office, I started to cry. The monitor where you can watch the baby was so huge, it felt like it was larger than real life (actually, it was…)  It was hard to watch that little baby, with its kicky little arms and legs bounce around in all that room. I’d been so used to seeing 2 of them in there, it just made me feel sad for all that we’ve lost, and scared for how fragile every pregnancy really is. At the same time, this little baby looked like king of the castle! nobody kicking him / her in the face… it allowed me to believe that everything this time would be fine.

Even though it’s not generally an issue in singleton pregnancies, I made them check the fluid levels, bladder, placenta insertion… and though they must have thought I was nuts they did it for me , and all was normal.

Every day I miss my girls. Every day I wish I could hold them and know them. Hear them giggle and rub their little heads. I feel bad that when I think of the one baby I am now carrying inside me, I think of the two I wish I was carrying in my arms. I wonder if this baby will always feel to me like the second-place prize. I wonder if when it is born, I will cry for my girls. I wonder if I’ll feel this way when I start to feel this baby kick, when I learn if it’s a boy or a girl, when I have the confidence to allow my heart to bond with it. (Though it already has, I try so hard not to get attached, lest I just be disappointed all over again.)  It’s mostly not terrible, and  most days are generally fine… but it is always there, right below the surface. I still cringe when I see pregnant women, and hearing the word “twins” still makes the hairs on my arm stand on end. I’ve become hyper-sensitive to parent-child relationships and the thought of a child in danger or living in a world with no-one to love them just breaks my heart.

I wear my necklace with their charms every day. I squeeze it and kiss it sometimes when I need a boost of strength or confidence. I am grateful to have it. And other times, I’m pissed off that all I have is a fucking necklace.

One thought on “Hello Again

  1. I just wanted to thank you for this, sharing yourself this way…it has touched me immensely. I Lost my third child, my sweet baby Elaine nearly eight years ago, she was 34 wks and looked just like me. I got pregnant one month after (not trying, not ready) and although I love my fourth baby more then words can explain, it continues to carry it’s difficulties for how my mind goes back to losing Elaine. I am now pregnant with my sixth baby (possibility of identical twins) that’s how I found your blog, your six wk ultrasound looks very similar to the one I just had done.
    Bless you and I hope you are doing well.