13 weeks later…

It’s been almost 3 months since we lost the girls. It feels like a million years ago and yet we are still almost a month away from my due date. How is that possible? If it had been a single, healthy pregnancy, I would be walking around with a huge belly, getting ready to have my baby any day now. That blows my mind.

Things have slowly stared to return to “normal” though I know normal will never be the same as it was before. I think differently. I take less things for granted. I care more about the people around me, and have learned better how to understand grief, sadness and other peoples pain.

I have thought about writing here, maybe to help me deal with the grief, maybe just to share, maybe just because I think the process of processing everything we’ve lived through is interesting. I have chosen not to because I did not want to feel obligated to tap into the grief to find content when I am trying hard to work past it. But today I guess I feel like writing. About what? I don’t know.

Although many days are good and pass without incident, other days just ache. The day just sits, overwhelmed with a sadness that leaches into everything you touch, everything you think, everything you feel. Sometimes you can trace back the reason for that feeling… the date, an article you read, a conversation. And other times it just surprises you, coming out of nowhere to ruin your day. Being the glutton for punishment that I am, on days like that, I look for ways to capitalize on the sadness. Yesterday was a day like that. I found myself digging through my iphoto library looking for scans of my ultrasounds, and pictures of me at my most pregnant. I can not believe how big I was. I printed the ultrasound pic that is in the page header above and taped it to my wall at work. That’s nice, right? I’m sure it does not make my co-workers uncomfortable. at. all.

The day after we lost the girls I went online and ordered a HUGE framed print of my Sunshine and Daisy picture. I was not sure I would feel ok hanging it- if it would be a weird, awkward, sorrowful picture, or if it would be healing and empowering. I just knew I wanted to own it. It took a week to arrive and when it did, I wasted no time hanging it. Turns out, it is healing and empowering.

It brings me peace

It brings me peace

More later…

2 thoughts on “13 weeks later…

  1. Beautifully put. As always my thoughts and prayers are with you, my friend. Thank you for sharing the link to this blog with me.

  2. Bobby told me about the blog, so there I was reading the whole thing. I love you & think you’re great! I was reading it to Ruchi & crying my eyes out. Keep up the good work & keep being you, who is so special. Love U.N.C.L.E.