It’s been almost 3 months since we lost the girls. It feels like a million years ago and yet we are still almost a month away from my due date. How is that possible? If it had been a single, healthy pregnancy, I would be walking around with a huge belly, getting ready to have my baby any day now. That blows my mind.
Things have slowly stared to return to “normal” though I know normal will never be the same as it was before. I think differently. I take less things for granted. I care more about the people around me, and have learned better how to understand grief, sadness and other peoples pain.
I have thought about writing here, maybe to help me deal with the grief, maybe just to share, maybe just because I think the process of processing everything we’ve lived through is interesting. I have chosen not to because I did not want to feel obligated to tap into the grief to find content when I am trying hard to work past it. But today I guess I feel like writing. About what? I don’t know.
Although many days are good and pass without incident, other days just ache. The day just sits, overwhelmed with a sadness that leaches into everything you touch, everything you think, everything you feel. Sometimes you can trace back the reason for that feeling… the date, an article you read, a conversation. And other times it just surprises you, coming out of nowhere to ruin your day. Being the glutton for punishment that I am, on days like that, I look for ways to capitalize on the sadness. Yesterday was a day like that. I found myself digging through my iphoto library looking for scans of my ultrasounds, and pictures of me at my most pregnant. I can not believe how big I was. I printed the ultrasound pic that is in the page header above and taped it to my wall at work. That’s nice, right? I’m sure it does not make my co-workers uncomfortable. at. all.
The day after we lost the girls I went online and ordered a HUGE framed print of my Sunshine and Daisy picture. I was not sure I would feel ok hanging it- if it would be a weird, awkward, sorrowful picture, or if it would be healing and empowering. I just knew I wanted to own it. It took a week to arrive and when it did, I wasted no time hanging it. Turns out, it is healing and empowering.