sad

So, after last week we seemed to be doing well.. at 22 weeks 5 days our donors levels were looking good and while our recepients were high, the doctors were feeling confident that she was fine as all other tests were normal. This past week I finally started to let myself think positive… since this situation began, I have not really allowed myself to think about names or how I would decorate the nursery, but after last week, I couldn’t stop myself from getting a little excited.

I looked at some of my daughters clothes and started to think about when they would be worn again, and started imagining what kind of mini van we were gonna have to buy to fit 3 carseats in (before this, the thought of driving a mini van was my “worst fear” ha.)

I also started feeling physically better. My belly was hurting less and and I was feeling less lethargic, and I figured this was a good sign, and even went so far as to put a picture of me and my huge belly up on my facebook page to share with friends. It was nice to finally relax a little and let myself enjoy this pregnancy without as much fear. 

Isn’t that the devils calling card? 

Yesterday at my follow-up ultrasound they told me Daisy, our recepient, had died. We were stunned. So were they, apparently. It just knocked the wind right out of me to a place I’ve never been. In fact, in this particular ultrasound room, there is no monitor for me to watch while they do the ultrasound so I just laid there with my eyes closed relaxing. The hubbo was watching the techs monitor. After she was done, she said she  was going to get the dr. which was what we had expected. While she was gone, hubbo said that based on what he saw, levels were looking really good. Sunshines fluids looked like they were over 4  and Daisys right about 9, so we were feeling pretty damn good.

The dr. came in, did some more looking and then broke the news. The head of prenatal pediatrics at Columbia, Dr. Simpson, said in 20 years of dealing with this, she has never seen a case like this- a progression from borderline stage 1- not even an official diagnosis, to Stage 5- death of one or both babies- in a week.

She said it’s impossible to know what, if anything actually caused it- even if it was the TTTS at all. She said it may have had to do with the way the cord met the placenta or just …. well, just because. It was horrible. It is horrible. We’re a mess. I was up  half the night feeling Sunshine bounce around inside me, now that she has more room and fluids. You’d think that was a good thing. 

But it’s not over. Unfortunately, yesterday was the easy part. When twins share a placenta and one suddenly passes, there are a million ways that that death can affect the survivor… and none of those ways are good. Today we are going back to the hospital for MRI and more tests to assess Sunshines “viability.” God, I hate that word.

I don’t really know what else to write. 

Sorry.

One thought on “sad

  1. Heartbreaking news. Really devastating and sad. I’m so sorry to hear about this. I just hope now that everything is okay with Sunshine.