Friday kinda sucked too…

Friday was our big follow-up… would be still be at 11cm for daisy, or would things improve? 

The answer…… no answer. I guess things improved… daisy was measuring 8.3 which still means she’s in the danger zone, and sunshine was down to 2.3… which is pretty much danger zone as well. This time, Sunshines dopplers were not looking too good either… they were always a little high, meaning she is struggling to get nourishment from the placenta, but friday they were coming in really high…. “still within range” they said, but at like, the 95th percentile. What made it worse was the ultrasound tech did not seem that experienced, and when she went to confer with the doctor (the one on duty, not our regular doctor) we could overhear and I felt like the doctor bullied her and didn’t really listen to her answers. I didn’t leave feeling too confident, but at least I knew that we have the follow up on tuesday for an echo to test their hearts, plus a regular ultrasound and an appointment with the main doctor. 

As we sloooowely walked back up the hill to the valet parking (did I mention, it costs $30 minimum every time we have to go to one of these appointments because you cannot park in manhattan??— that’s worse than a co-pay, but I digress….) I was letting myself feel OK, and just reminding myself about tuesday. 

As the hubbo went to go pay for the parking, I leaned against a column and waited. When he got back, he asked if I saw the lady with the twins… I didn’t, but they he showed me. Around the bend was a woman sitting in a wheelchair with 2 tiny infants, one in each arm. One was wearing blue and the other in pink so they obviously were not identical. She was waiting for her car and I just looked at her, and I started to cry. It was kinda weird…. I just got so freaked out all of a sudden… The hubbo didn’t notice at first… he was saying how it was so cute, how nice it would be to have two tiny little babies…. for him, it seemed like a “aha” moment that, despite all our initial fears about having 2 more babies, as opposed to the one we expected, two would be awesome and fun and adorable. For me, it was the realization that- at the very least, I would likely never have that moment… when you leave the hospital with your beautiful newborn and feel so proud & special when everyone looks at you. In all likelyhood, our babies would be in the nicu and they likely won’t be released at the same time. And that is best case scenario. My mind just raced with “oh- they got two… they got what they expected and probably didnt have the headaches we are having… what if we don’t have two??

It just sucked. shutterstock_2399973

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