Follow-up appointment tomorrow…

This was supposed to be a vacation week. The hubbys parents have an annual tradition of renting a large house for a long weekend once a year for all their kids and grandkids when the one son who lives in another country is here on vacation. This year they rented it for a whole week instead, and that week was this week.
It was really nice to be away (it’s a 2.5 hour drive) and relax on the beach with all the other kids and grandkids. It helped that there were so many other people to help with the Kid, and lots of entertainment.
But then, I had to come back home. I knew I was going to be coming home because I have a dr appointment tomorrow, but I came home yesterday though, so I could go to work today. I’ve been stressed about the work I feel I’m going to miss, so I have been trying to put in extra time… which is probably a stupid idea…. but anyway…
So, I left the kid with the hubby and the rest of the family and hitched a ride back with my bro-in-law. Went to work today, and hubby drove home tonight so we could go to the dr. together tomorrow. We left the kid with my in-laws which is a nice little mini-break for us. We’ll be driving back to our vacation spot tomorrow night after the appointment to join the family for the rest of the weekend.

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About the appointment… I’ve been nervous. spent a lot of time thinking about the side effects- Cerebral Palsy and all other types of potential neuroligical disorders. I’ll be honest, the thought of raising a child that has to deal with that, and the thought of spending my life dealing with that is almost more than I am able to handle. The truth is, If I knew that possibility was likely, I would probably terminate. It’s horrible and scary and makes my cry my heart out in the shower, but it’s how I feel. The fact is though, there is no way to know if that is the case. I’ve done tons of reasearch of CP and TTTS and it seems- though this is simplifying it a lot, that the largest probability of CP / neuroligical disorders stem from either A- death of one of the babies that triggers a neurological effect in the other, or B- very premature birth with complications. It also seems that with severe TTTS, the “triggers” that would kick in upon the death of one, could still be activated in limited doses…
This syndrome is so unusual and only more recently able to be studied to a large extent, that so many of the studies are limited in their scopes, and their findings are often just theories, not necessarily fact. My sister is actually doing her fellowship in pediatric cardiology in one of the main childrens hospitals in the country that performs the laser surgery. She does rounds, spending time working in each unit of the hospital and ironically, this coming week, will be working with the area that deals with this. Today she even got the preliminary reports about a woman she is supposed to meet next week who is currently pregnant with TTTS twins. She had the surgery at 18 weeks for severe TTTS. It is now 5 weeks later and my sister said the reports are staggering with regards to the turnaround this woman has shown. While my sister and I have not always gotten along so famously, it is nice to have her be so capable of helping me deal with this and provide me with studies, reports and information I would otherwise not have access to. 

back to my main thoought—- The idea of terminating out of fear of a % number number is repulsive to me, and I don’t know if living with that unknown would be a worse fate. It’s just really a horrible situation. I keep having to remind myself that- as of now, this moment- Thank god, it’s not a decision that I even have to face. I am feeling confident about tomorrow (not a good sign- damn susperstitiousness) and will just take it day by day and week by week.

I have been feeling the babies moving a bit… more daisy- the recepient, than sunshine, my donor… if in fact, they are still in relatively the same spots they were at the last ultrasound… 

Just gonna try to get a good night sleep and not have nightmares like I did last night.

Heres is to tomorrows uneventful Dr. Appointment!! 

Will let you know…

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